Kokoro's kokoro
by reylrit
Summary: Just a one-shot on Kokoro's musings on a certain blond haired.


Disclaimer: I do claim anything of Aishiteruze Baby as my own.

Summary: Just a one-shot based on Kokoro's point of view about having Kippei as her boyfriend, her thoughts about him from the start till the end.

I've always known that he is a player. Always known, right from the start of out first year together as classmates. The way he keep flirting around with every girl he could lay his eyes on, the way he keep on smiling, even to girls whom he just met for the first time, all these while, I've known that he is a player.

Everyone knew that you couldn't fall in love with a player, especially someone like Kippei, who probably would feel satisfied only when he has a few girlfriends fawning over him at a time. And I know that I would only want someone who could tie himself to me and not look at any other girls. That's why I kept telling myself to not ever fall in love with him if I could, when the first signs of me being attracted to him started.

Despite him being so clueless at times and his player nature, I couldn't help myself from taking notice of him every now and then. His antics at class could never fail to drive a smile onto my face. I could never understand how on earth can someone be officially a young adult and yet be so idiotic at times, or, most of the times.

However the one time I stepped upon his little private session with a girl from the other class from across ours, I got reminded of my initial warnings to myself regarding him. I was hoping to take a breather after an unusually stressful lesson and there they were, crouching in a corner of the large expanse of the school's balcony. His arms were around her and their lips were on each other's. The girl seemed extremely elated with the attention he was giving her but judging from his half-hearted expression, he probably had done it a million times before and was thinking about his next 'exploit'. I couldn't decide to be disgusted or embarrassed but perhaps it's a combination of these two that made me fled away quickly.

For the rest of the next few weeks I shifted back to being indifferent again, indifferent to those whom I do not care for, indifferent to those whom I deemed as dangerous. And for some unknown reason, I knew that Kippei could potentially be that sort of person whom I've always steered clear of, the person who might very well be capable of stealing my heart away, making me lose myself in the end.

But the initial attraction towards this fellow did not go away as I hope it would. Instead I find myself often letting my thoughts go over to him. It was not very frequent, me thinking of him that is, but the fact that it did, even in its smallest number of times and while I'm letting my mind take a break from the taxing studies for a moment, showed something. I don't know which is worse, me actually thinking of him in my most relaxed moments or me actually catching him staring at me at times.

The time he told me flippantly that I would make a good girlfriend and asked me if I wanted to become his girl I nearly flipped out. Thank God for my calm composure which I was sure to maintain at that time. But much to my dismay, I actually blushed like some naïve girl when I heard what he said. It sure was a mindless remark and being so characteristic of Kippei, he probably just said that to get me, apparently thinking that I'm like one of those girls who fawn over him, all whiney and simpering. Naturally I ignored him and said something cool to pass him off as nothing more than just an idiotic teenage boy who's high on a hormones overload.

Alas, fates often have a different course for us. I never thought that me and Kippei, so distinctly different individuals, could start a relationship just like that, or that one could even be started at all. I remembered the day awfully well. It was late and everyone else has gone home already. Me? I could not bear the thought of going back to that lifeless little posh apartment I now call my home. Home should be a place full of warmth and love and it should be filled with people whom you love. That empty, cold and lifeless place is not what I call a home.

Trust Kippei to enter the classroom when I was just planning to leave. If only he was just a minute later then I could have avoided seeing him and having to talk to him due to mere courtesy. What came as much of a surprise is that he actually saw my photo, the one which I treasured the most, the one which captured the golden time when all my family were still together and when I felt I was the happiest girl alive on earth.

Damn it, he sure could say the wrong things at the wrong time. Couldn't he tell that this is a sensitive issue to me? Apparently he is as thick as a large chunk of wood. Trust me to let slip the façade that I've put up all these years, the façade of being contented with the way things are with my family, or the lack of. I felt myself letting slip of the emotions which I've been holding back since the moment my mum died, even more so after my dad remarried. The moment the first tear fell, I couldn't hold it back. One after another, they seemed to fall so rapidly, like a dam which just opened its valve to release all the pent up water. The feelings which I so carefully concealed fell apart, as easily as that.

I couldn't register when a pair of strong, warm arms wrapped themselves around my trembling body. All I knew is that I was relieved and glad at the comfort that seemed to come from the pair of arms that so held me closely to their owner. I reveled in the security that could be found. Like a baby I find myself crying uncontrollably into the chest of a stranger, well, not one exactly, but we weren't even friends or close to each other.

After I collected myself and drew slowly away from the comfortable embrace, what met me was not something which I expected. Concerned eyes were looking at me. And there was something else that was lurking behind all the concern, something deep and unknown but somehow I know that it would emerge strongly. Oh I lost myself in those deep pools of his eyes and when his face inclined towards mine, I realised what he wanted to do. Strangely I didn't stop him. In fact, when his lips met mine for the first time, soft but firm, I thought that no one could ever make me feel this way, ever. This feeling of being lost, having nothing to hold onto except the person that's right in front of me, this feeling of being swept away.

That's it, I became his unofficial girlfriend this way. So easily, he got past those barriers which I've put up all these years. He would never understand the hurt that I've been through and I never wanted him, or anyone else for that matter, to actually be able to empathise with me. Yet, him being there for me is all that is enough for me. Enough to provide a shelter where I can take refuge in whenever I need to get over the painful memories. Enough for me to know that there isn't all sadness and heartbreak in this world. Love does exist in this world full of destruction after all.

For the first time, I actually thought that there could be another person who could provide me with the love that I so yearn. I reveled in the times we had together, even when they are short-lived. His responsibility to his cousin probably cut our time together by almost half, if not more. You might want to ask if I'm jealous. I would be lying if I denied it. After all, which woman would want to share her guy with another? But this is Kippei we're talking about here. He might be unable to help it if he's friendly to all people, rejecting none, but he's a responsible person with a heart big enough to affect the people around him with his sincerity and warmth. The little girl needs him as much as I do, to be the guidance for her young life, to be the comfort that she could seek solace in. Who am I to grumble when I know for myself firsthand just how hard it is for a little girl to get over the loss of the presence of a mother?

It seems like a note of finality when I moved in with Kippei's family. They seemed to accept it swiftly, as though they've already viewed me in their hearts as a permanent resident in their family. Strangely, there's no awkwardness with me and Kippei's family. I feel a rare sense of peace whenever I'm with them. Is this what people call family love? I believe it to be so. Even the seemingly little things that they do, the tiniest squabbles that they have each and every day, they would never fail to brighten me up and fill my heart with a sense of tranquil serenity. To me, I felt like I belonged there. I would give anything in the world to continue holding on to this thing they call family warmth.

A year ago on this same day, I wouldn't dream of me having these thoughts about a certain blond-haired guy. I wouldn't dream of actually saying all these mushy stuff that I said earlier. But this one person alone has changed me. Is it for the better, I wouldn't know. I wouldn't say that Kippei is a perfect guy to have. More than other people, he has his flaws and imperfections. But which human wouldn't have them? It's just enough that I'm with someone I love and who loves me back too. It all comes down to this, no matter what obstacles that I meet in this life, there wills still be someone who loves me, at least more than all the other girls in his life.

Owari

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